An unfortunate epiphany

I have come to a time in my life where I fully realised that people are not nice. I had, thus far, in my life believed that most people have this little spark in them that tells them what is wrong, what is right, what is fair, and who the good people are, and what the right thing to do is.

This has been blown to little itty bitty pieces this last couple of weeks. I won't go into details, but I will say that I have been screwed. I was used.

I feel like the rose coloured glasses have come off and I don't like what I see. People are greedy and cruel, dishonest and generally untrustworthy. It makes me a little depressed to think that these people are out there and that I have to interact with them. It makes me angry to think that they feel they can do whatever they want and use other people like this.

I am usually the person who says, maybe they're just having a bad day. Maybe they didn't mean it like that. Maybe there are extenuating circumstances. I try to go about life with the mantra of: Be nice to others, put out the good vibes and they will come back. Help people when you can. Get help when you need it. Most people are good in their heart of hearts. Work hard and be rewarded. Set goals and you can climb over a mountain to do it. I think in general that I and most other people are nice, helpful, reasonably intelligent and productive persons.

Now, I am NOT the perfect person. Far from it! I'm loud, and usually fail to think of other peoples feelings when I speak. I argue with my husband frequently. I don't recycle (here in Japan). I am easily excitable, and am too honest for my own good sometimes. This is called hoof-in-mouth disease. I can be overly analytical and thus a bit anal retentive. I hate rude people. I mean being rude on purpose to hurt someones feelings etc. I spend too much money on shoes. But I'm a person who can forgive. I may get angry fast, but I cool down just as quickly. I yelled at Richard the other day, I remember being mad, but I couldn't tell you at this point what the hell I was mad about. And people have done things that have hurt me, but I have forgiven them and let them back into my heart because there was lots of room in there for everyone.

That said, this is different. This is a slow burn deep inside my chest. I don't think I've ever felt quite like this before. I wasn't angry at first - I tried to rationalise what had happened and even made excuses for them. I even told myself that I wasn't angry and it was for the best. And then, the glasses fell off. And then, the burn grew. I started to think about how I couldn't believe someone could actually do that. And why! And that they were still doing it to someone else! Then I realised that these people were everywhere!!! Doing it to someone else!!!

I keep wishing I could just put them back on, but now its too late.....